The designers of Dungeons and Dragons 4th edition must be having a real roller-coaster time, at the moment. On the one hand, this epic labor of love is finally in readers’ hands, to much acclaim. On the other hand, it will be slowly nibbled to death by gerbils as every gamer under the sun points out the one or two nitpicky things they dislike in the nearly-thousand-page Opus of Awesomejuice they releaseed.
(I, for one, don’t understand why The “Customizing Scores” method of character generation starts with 8, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10. Would it have been that much to throw a couple extra points players’ ways – creating 10’s across the board – and thereby making the subsequent table of point additions that much more elegant? Nitpicky, nitpicky, NITPICKY!)
I will say, however, that the Monster Manual gives me greatest pause. Not due to any mechanic. Simply because of the sheer number of monsters that now go by MODIFIER-title MONSTER NAME (or MONSTER NAME modifier-TITLE). Yes, I realize this is due to the seemingly endless subdivision and stratification of monsters and monster types necessitated by new monster Roles: artillery, brute, controller, soldier, fishmonger (or something like that). But still, in the first few pages alone, we have:
Aboleth Slime Mage
Aboleth Overseer
Ice Archon Hailscourge
Ice Archon Rimehammer (embarrassingly misread as “RIM-hammer,” initially)
Ice Archon Frostshaper
Azer Taskmaster
Azer Beastlord
Warthorn Battlebriar (Um…is that “War Thorn” or “Wart Horn”? Just wonderin’, is all…)
Earthrage Battlebriar
Turning to a random page in the middle (132), we have the
Gnoll Huntmaster
Gnoll Demonic Scourge
Gnoll Claw Fighter
The sense of rhythm is undeniable, but so, alas, is the sense of sameness. Were the ancients forbidden from using a third modifier? Did they have to pay by the word when entering new creatures into the ledger? It does rather make me want to take a look at the stylebook the zoologists are forced to use in the lands of Greyhawk.
Anyway, it’s pretty obvious that D&D 4th edition has a specific way they’d like you to differentiate monsters. Now, anybody can be a critic. But it takes a better man to offer constructive advice – to put forward something POSITIVE. And so, in that spirit, I humbly offer KOVALIC’S SCROLL OF SWARMING FOURTH EDITION NOMENCLATURE, for those who want to create monsters or name new Player Characters the right way…the Fourth Edition way. Roll some dice and try it out!
KOVALIC’S SCROLL OF SWARMING FOURTH EDITION NOMENCLATURE
PHASE ONE
ROLL 1D20.
1-5 Table creates a prefix (ie, Sheboygancrotch Orc)
6-20 Table creates a suffix (ie, Orc Lightningrimmer)
STEP TWO
ROLL 1D12 and 1D10
…or find some other way to generate a number between 1 and 120. Anyhoo, roll. The D12 gives you the modifier (the first column), the D10, the title (the second column). For example, you roll a 62 and an 04. 62 in the first column is “Goat,” and 82 is “crotch.” Bingo! So your new monster would be either a Goatcrotch Ent or an Ent Goatcrotch, depending on how you rolled during Step One.
| ROLL | MODIFIER | TITLE |
|---|---|---|
| 01 | Thunder | spleen |
| 02 | Lightning | toes |
| 03 | Sheboygan | seer |
| 04 | Fire | crotch |
| 05 | L.Ron | hamster |
| 06 | Over | lard |
| 07 | Slime | lord |
| 08 | Stalker | -iffic |
| 09 | Blood | sausage |
| 10 | Battle | thighs |
| 11 | Frost | noodle |
| 12 | Hell | scourge |
| 13 | Lily | hammer |
| 14 | Slut | master |
| 15 | Task | lord |
| 16 | Beast | breath |
| 17 | Toady | catcher |
| 18 | Dart | board |
| 19 | Shadow | swarmer |
| 20 | Venom | -eye |
| 21 | Water | cup |
| 22 | Cream | liver |
| 23 | Dire | spike |
| 24 | Rot | gut |
| 25 | Tangle- | champ |
| 26 | Mace | tail |
| 27 | Iron | fingers |
| 28 | Pickle | tyrant |
| 29 | Sloppy | fist |
| 30 | Bone | claw |
| 31 | Postpunk | reaver |
| 32 | Bitchy | cakes |
| 33 | Tiny | dancer |
| 34 | Fey | ray |
| 35 | Mire- | hair |
| 36 | God | spurned |
| 37 | Heck | forged |
| 38 | Vise | tooth |
| 39 | Gob | smacker |
| 40 | Fight | club |
| 41 | Gerbil | carver |
| 42 | Spectral | buns |
| 43 | Winter | shield |
| 44 | Wyrm | hook |
| 45 | Toad | stool |
| 46 | Brittle | marmot |
| 47 | Havok | pants |
| 48 | Vise | tooth |
| 49 | Pullover | jumper |
| 50 | Death | hulk |
| 51 | Cheese | weasel |
| 52 | Muskrat | lover |
| 53 | Dragon | born |
| 54 | Orc | breath |
| 55 | Yellow | submariner |
| 56 | Beard | trimmer |
| 57 | Chain | gang |
| 58 | Ice | ricer |
| 59 | Pit | devil |
| 60 | War | fiend |
| 61 | Chicken | strummer |
| 62 | Goat | patter |
| 63 | Spiney | devourer |
| 64 | Spirit | spike |
| 65 | Sneak | stockings |
| 66 | Beast | baiter |
| 67 | Rune | boobie |
| 68 | Black | knife |
| 69 | White | shadow |
| 70 | Brown | cow |
| 71 | Blue | state |
| 72 | Beetle | juice |
| 73 | Gloom | belcher |
| 74 | Kobold | slayer |
| 75 | Gnoll | layer |
| 76 | Pseudo | intellectual |
| 77 | Copper | kettle |
| 78 | Spitting | overseer |
| 79 | Brass | knuckle |
| 80 | Bolt | thrower |
| 81 | Pink | singer |
| 82 | Chaffed | strider |
| 83 | Chapped | lips |
| 84 | Pyre | britches |
| 85 | Summer | wind |
| 86 | Golden | shower |
| 87 | Salad | shooter |
| 88 | Sugar | butt |
| 89 | Lightning | bolt |
| 90 | Dread | budgie |
| 91 | Raisin | toast |
| 92 | Sleepy | hollow |
| 93 | Rock | brain |
| 94 | Earthwind | fire |
| 95 | Ur- | stench |
| 96 | Web | wing |
| 97 | Butter | cup |
| 98 | Forge | fairy |
| 99 | Fell | yellowpolkadotbikini |
| 100 | Cleaveland | steamer |
| 101 | Sponge | nuts |
| 102 | Swarm | thingie |
| 103 | Torn | fancypants |
| 104 | Deep | throat |
| 105 | Swallow | nickers |
| 106 | Proud | foot |
| 107 | One | sack |
| 108 | Badonkadonk | loaf |
| 109 | Heavy | breather |
| 110 | Frak | bottom |
| 111 | Meat | snack |
| 112 | Tasty | nose |
| 113 | Pain | maistro |
| 114 | Skullcrusher | squarepants |
| 115 | Itsybityteenyweeny | mellons |
| 116 | Rap | parts |
| 117 | Cookie | business |
| 118 | Numb | fairy |
| 119 | Man | scape |
| 120 | Girl | bits |
My good deed for the day is done. No need to thank me now, WoTC. What? What’s that, you say? You want to send scads of D&D minis my way, as a show of gratitude? Well…OK, you scamps, you.
(Some folks put together some web apps for this. Check out my LJ page to see them!)
– John